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Home > Humor > Elections, a (not so) serious view
Elections, a (not so) serious view
By Steve Jacobs
Statesman staff writer
GRAPHIC BY STEVE JACOBS
For today's excerpt, I've decided that the humor section should take a stronger political role. Hopefully by doing this, I can alleviate some confusion surrounding the upcoming mayoral election in November. This might also provide everyone out there with some additional information to ignore. So let's get started.
As some of you may know by now the incumbent mayor, Herb Bergson (or Herbie for short), lost the primary elections this September. This may have been be due in part to Herbie's recent difficulties getting around due to a flat tire on his bicycle. If you didn't get that joke ask someone who was around two years ago. Cheap shots aside, it just didn't turn out to be Herb's year. Now it is time to turn to the two new candidates Don Ness and Charlie Bell.
Ness made his political debut in 1995, when a meteor crashed near his house and he met a small bug named Buzz-Buzz. Buzz-Buzz told Ness of an evil alien named Giygas who is up to not very nice things. Ness also learned that he is one of the four children destined to destroy said mean nasty alien destroyer of worlds. Ness did so well at this that he returned in 1999 to defeat such varied enemies as the Mario Brothers, Link, Pikachu and the fighting polygon team. He has since apparently picked up a first name and moved to the Duluth area. With his psychic abilities, yo-yo, baseball bat and loveable large head, Ness is expected to go far for the interests of this city.
Charlie Bell doesn't have anywhere near the experience in battling of space aliens that Ness holds. This would make me, and possibly others if I bothered to ask them, quite fearful for our safety in times of galactic destroyer attacks. He might, however, make a decent point guard for the Milwaukee Bucks, who just signed him to a 6-year, $51.5 million contract. The only problem with alluding to the fact that Charlie Bell the basketball player and Charlie Bell that guy running for mayor are the same people is that it's just not true. To assume so would be just plain silly and should be stopped at once. The bottom line of it is, in a fight Ness would incinerate Bell with his PK Fire.
Now that you've had a chance to soak up some information on the candidates running for office you'll hopefully be a better voter, nay, a better person for the knowledge gained. If nothing else I hope that this helped put some faces to the names on those street signs.
Please send all grammatical/content errors and typos to jaco0731@d.umn.edu to be eligible to win a special mystery prize.
