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Letters to People
By tyler domaas
Statesman staff writer
Dear Princess Peach,
WTF? You are the most annoying princess in this frickin' world. I mean, yeah, saving you in Donkey Kong was a joy. And I guess saving you in the first three Marios was a blast as well. But age is catching up to you. You aren't that hot piece of tail that you used to be. Saving you isn't that great anymore.
Besides, who knows what kind of STDs you've gotten from Bowser and DK. Don't even try to play it off like nothing happened, we all know.
Speaking of us all knowing, Mario spends his entire life rescuing you. He gets doped up on shrooms and then gets bigger. That's not good for one's body sister. And how do you repay him? You go and get "kidnapped." Notice the quotations? I know your little plan, and I'm telling Mario.
Word on the street is that you have been sleeping around every time you're taken away. That ain't cool. Mario works his ass off to save you all the time; and you go and screw Bowser every time he steals you. Well the ploy is up, so stop being a bitch and show some love toward our Italian friend.
Yours Truly,
Tyler Domaas
