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Skinny guy in a little coat
By Eric Simon
Statesman staff writer
I'm skinny. Not like sickly skinny, but thin. I have a secret, though: Under my oversized t-shirts and baggy pants, I have a belly. It's not a beer belly, because I don't drink beer, or any other alcohol for that matter. Never have, never will. Weird huh?
Anyway, I decided to go on a diet, maybe lose a little weight and get myself one of those six-pack stomachs that all the ladies love. Well, all the ladies besides my wife who enjoys a little pudge. Hey! This story is about me, okay? Focus, people! So I've cut a lot of foods out of my eating patterns and have been eating things like carrots and broccoli. This has led to a lot of people noticing me not eating certain things and asking what's up. Here's a typical conversation.
"I'm on a diet," say I.
"What?" says other person.
"A diet," I say.
"But you're skinny."
";Yeah?"
"So why are you on a diet?"
"General health purposes."
This goes on for awhile. Other responses I've gotten from people include:
"You're on a diet? What, for medical purposes or something?"
And:
"Well, looks like it's working." Thing is, I'll be taking a trip to Hawaii soon and want to make sure I don't look ridiculous in a bathing suit. Yes, I'm a bit self conscious about my body image. Don't make fun of me, you'll only make it worse.
So, I've been working out six days a week, eating loads of turkey and missing Pepsi. (And by the way, screw UMD and their contract with Coke. This ain't a democracy, it's a Coke-tatorship. The people want Mountain Dew! Power to the people!)
Wow sorry about that. Lack of caffeine makes me cranky. The worst thing about going on a diet is that people start coming out of the woodwork to give you things you can't eat. Not to mention the bowl full of mini-Snickers on my coffee table that mocks me with every sit-up.
"We're so small, just eating twenty of us wouldn't be breaking your diet," they say.
Little fricking liars. You're packed with high fructose corn syrup which will 100 percent shut down my metabolism. Bastards. I'm also drinking smoothies with whey powder packed with protein to help my body build muscle. Hopefully, after a few weeks, I won't be the lanky guy strolling down the halls, but instead I'll be the lanky guy with a tight washboard stomach under his baggy clothes walking down the halls. You won't notice a difference, but this isn't about you, it's about me. Why does everything have to be about you? I'm leaving.
