VOL78 / 5
By bobby downs
Statesman staff writer
In an unprecedented move on Tuesday, local bullies from two Winnipeg middle schools announced that they are now receiving protection from their newly formed union: The Union Bullies Section 317.
“It seemed like the most logical thing to do,” said renowned bully Biff Granderson. The newly formed union protects bullies by effectively bribing student council presidents, lunchroom supervisors and the principal’s secretaries into granting bullies free reign in the middle schools.
Personal protection is offered at a price of $5 a week, which some have deemed unfair.
“It’s basically a syndicate. If you’re not with us, you’re against us,” said Section 317 spokesman Terry “Tank” Thompson.
“We’ve even employed the nerds as our accountants. We pay them back the lunch money we would normally be shaking out of them,” he said.
Although the unionizing was a relatively smooth process, there were some setbacks along the way.
“The contract negotiations were definitely slowed by those picky bastards over at Winnipeg Middle School,” Granderson admitted. “But we did what we had to do, and physically overpowered them.”
This protection does come at a price, however. “We pay 30 percent of our collected lunch money, plus 25 percent of all Snack Packs and other delicious treats. We also forfeit 10 percent of our weekly allowance from home. That last one was really a sticking point,” said Thompson.
A common concern is the potential impact on the community. “People cannot pretend that we don’t give back to the community,” said Thompson. “Every banana flavored Laffy Taffy that is bullied out of students is returned to the student community immediately. Mostly because banana flavored Laffy Taffy’s suck cheeseballs.”
