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Man gets stoned
BY BOBBY DOWNS
STATESMAN STAFF WRITER
iISSUE: 78/27
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Needless to say, the stoning got out of control
last Tuesday.
In a gross misunderstanding last Tuesday, freshman criminology major Brian Brown misinterpreted his friend’s suggestion to “get stoned” and died of blunt force trauma after literally being stoned at the local renaissance fair.
Brown, 19, was overwhelmed by a combination of homework and personal problems and confided in his long-time friend, Coal Larson, who advised Brown to “get stoned.” Larson, who is now being charged with misdemeanor manslaughter for his advice, claims that the situation is just a big misunderstanding.
“He was stressed out,” Larson claimed. “I told him to get stoned. I wasn’t talking about sitting in front of a wall and getting large rocks chucked at his face. I was talking
about getting stoned, as in … well … you know! Smoking the peace pipe!”
Brown, who has been described as “out of it,” “light headed” and even “stupid,” was apparently confused as to which meaning of “stoned” Larson meant. “[Brown] always walked around like he had a stick up his butt and was angry at the world,” Larson explained. “He needed to unwind by getting in touch with nature.”
A dictionary was found on Brown’s bed, open to the page that read “Stoned: to be pelted unmercifully with stones.” Police Officer Wilbur Babe offered his speculations of what happened. “From what I’ve heard of the case, Brown decided to take a taxi over to the renaissance fair, gathered up the local workers, went behind the work shed and got stoned,” sad Babe. “The terrible details of the stoning aren’t fully understood as of right now.
After hearing Babe’s account, Larson responded by releasing this statement: “What a stupid, stupid kid.”
The local renaissance fair has come under fire as of recently, also, seeing as it is solely responsible for the death of Brown. Craig Clutzly, who refers to himself as “Sir William Wallace,” refutes all claims insisting foul play. “This is how stuff worked before, and still should work today,” Clutzly proclaimed. “I see nothing wrong with throwing stones at a person. Take this example and chew on it for awhile: A man gets cancer and is in immense pain. Getting stoned is going to take his pain away. Are you telling me that you don’t want cancer patients to have relief?”
Apparently, Clutzly’s argument wasn’t strong enough for Babe, and Clutzly was taken into custody with charges pending. College campuses everywhere have expressed outrage at the allegations. “Why do the cops care if a guy goes out and gets stoned? It doesn’t hurt anybody!” exclaimed junior Paul Greenway. “He got stoned. Big deal. The world is not going to come to an end.”
This has led to a movement to convince congress to re-legalize stoning for a wide variety of purposes. The student body at the local college is paying tribute to Brown this upcoming weekend by getting stoned in his honor.
