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Al Gore enters race for democratic nomination
BY BOBBY DOWNS
STATESMAN STAFF WRITER
iISSUE: 78/28
ASSOCIATED PRESS
Gore: “It is an inconvenient truth that
I’m so dang awesome!”
In an unprecedented move Wednesday, Al Gore entered the race for the Democratic nomination for president. The move was announced just minutes after the news broke about Hillary Clinton’s victory in the Pennsylvania primaries, and many political pundits are confused as to what Gore might be thinking. Gore made the announcement on his weekly radio show, “More bore, more Gore,” and went in depth as to why he would wait for such an inopportune time to enter the race.
“The democratic party is ripping itself apart,” Gore said. “I need in on some of this action! I’m the global warming guy! I won in 2000 anyway. This system is a joke!” Gore has been heavily publicized the last few years over his documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth,” and has seemingly taken the title of his film as his campaign slogan. “Let me just say that it is an inconvenient truth that I’m not in the White House right now, and an inconvenient truth that I’ve gained a substantially large amount of weight,” said Gore. “I say we all go out, buy my documentary and take the democratic nomination by storm!”
Gore did pick up a key endorsement Wednesday as Mick Jagger, the former Rolling Stone and current
175-year-old man, wandered aimlessly onto Gore’s stage during a press conference. Jagger repeated “Where am I?” monotonously until Gore sat him down and said, “Mick, you’re with me. Al Gore.” Jagger than repeatedly mumbled Al Gore’s name into the microphone until Gore was forced to remove Jagger from the stage. Mick then turned into a cloud of dust and blew away.
The fact that it is mathematically impossible for Gore to even come within a thousand delegates of the nomination hasn’t seemed to phase him at all. When asked how he was planning on generating
enough campaign funding for the remaining states, Gore offered a ridiculous explanation. “I don’t need millions of dollars to win this nomination,” Gore claimed. “I’m going to take Guam! Then, I’m going to take Indiana! Then, I’m going to take North Carolina! Then, I’m going to break into Barack Obama’s delegate bank and steal the necessary amount of delegates to elect myself into office! I cannot be stopped! It is an inconvenient truth, but a truth nonetheless!”
When asked for comments, both Clinton and Obama did not offer any statements. This was because they were both speechless.
