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Godzilla caught topless at beach
BY STEVE JACOBS
STATESMAN STAFF WRITER
iISSUE: 78/30
PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY
TYLER SWEENEY / STATESMAN
Godzilla enjoying a gorgeous May evening by
the port. He then proceeded to devour the
Aerial Lift Bridge
According to police reports from Sunday the 4th of May, the Terrorizer of Tokyo was caught exposing himself on Park Point. Witnesses to the display had mixed feelings. Some perceived it as just a man in a rubber suit that was displayed in a disproportionate manner, while others viewed the rabble-rouser as an affront to all they knew and believed about men in rubber suits. Officer Doolittle responded to the complaints made about the indecency.
“The bugger had no regard for public well being, and was botherin’ the wee ones,” reported Doolittle. “I had some difficulty involving the language barrier. The force never properly trained me how to converse in shriek, but I think he got the message and wasn’t too happy.”
Doolittle was forced to write the foreign freewheeler a citation for indecent exposure and disturbing the peace. Godzilla showed his displeasure by promptly consuming the ticket along with the nearest house. At this point, Doolittle bid him a good day and returned to the office to file his report.
Another report was filed two days earlier involving the description of a similar culprit devouring a bus filled with homeward-bound school children. Charges were not pressed as insufficient evidence was retrieved, and the suspect was released. It is still unknown how the Precambrian protagonist made his way into the area. Speculation ranges from swimming up the Hudson to stowing away in the landing gear of a Japanese Airlines flight.
These recent events have left locals shocked. The small value-driven town that is, or was, Duluth, is no more an unadulterated Shangri-La thanks to one inconsiderate lizard. I, for one, think this is unacceptable, and action must be taken immediately. This is one of those situations that can be best resolved by tanks, lots of tanks. Also, if we divert some of the massive budget that is tied up in highway maintenance; I’ve heard that Ultraman is looking for work, and maybe we could employ him. If he’s not available, I guess we could settle for Optimus Prime.
At any rate, an orange alert has been issued. A scenario in which a large amphibious city-wrecker has entered Midwestern lakes via waterways and proceeds to wander about publicly with an insubstantial level of clothing, has never been imagined. This just proves how incredibly unprepared our country, and especially our homeland security, is for any challenge thrown at it. On that note, federal help is expected to arrive in three to five weeks, roughly.
