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Fortune cookie is disgustingly accurate
BY BOBBY DOWNS
STATESMAN STAFF WRITER
iISSUE: 78/24
(East Grand Forks, N.D.)—Why would Chinese restaurants market small, hollow cookies that, when consumed whole, leave you with a small sheet of paper caught in your throat? The answer is bland, brown and plentiful. Millions upon millions of fortune cookies are consumed every day, but not for their taste. People delve into the tasteless cookie looking for one thing: their fortune. Interestingly enough, throughout the trillions of cookies eaten, it might surprise you that no fortune cookie has correctly told anybody’s fortune.
That changed with a college man named Joseph Jeurissen. Last Sunday at the Chao Chao Chinese restaurant, Jeurissen ripped open his cookie, expecting the usual “You show patience in the face of adversity,” or “You are destined for mediocre things.” Instead, Jeurissen got a painfully personal message that cut to the core of him. The fortune cookie read, “I know you’re lonely, but your chronic masturbation is getting excessive, and everybody can tell by the stains on your clothing.” Looking down, Jeurissen’s fears were confirmed. He quickly exited the restaurant.
Jeurissen, confused and ashamed, was once again alone. “I retreated to my room and immersed myself in thought,” Jeurissen said. By “thought,” Jeurissen surely meant masturbation. Convinced that this was some sort of divine intervention, Jeurissen then made a pledge to find the author of his fortune cookie. “I went back to Chao Chao and had a word with the manager,” Jeurissen recalled. Apparently, the manager, Don Ho, was taken back by what he heard. “There is no way that a message as foul as that was in one of my fortune cookies,” Ho exclaimed much too vehemently. “It must have come from an outside source.”
Angered and perplexed, Jeurissen confided in his roommate, Jared Westman, and asked for advice. “He was crying like a little girl,” said Westman. “Maybe if he wouldn’t be such a creep and make a mess of our living room all of the time, messages like that wouldn’t mysteriously appear in his fortune cookies when we eat out on Sunday nights. I told him God must have been watching.” “God must have been watching,” Jeurissen concluded. “I have decided to put down my hand and pick up a Bible.”
Unfortunately, the pages of Jeurissen’s Bible were stuck together. No matter, it was evident that Jeurissen had changed. His laundry was done more regularly, and the living room was no longer a mess.
As for Westman, he still had reservations about his newly changed roommate. “I can’t wait until I get a new roommate next year,” Westman said. “Maybe then I can get a girl to stay in my house longer than 10 minutes.”
