Original
"Fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation or any nation so conceived and so dedicated can long endure. We are met on a great battlefield of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field as a final resting-place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.
But in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate, we cannot consecrate, we cannot hallow this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here have consecrated it far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here. It is for us the living rather to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us--that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion--that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain, that this nation under God shall have a new birth of freedom, and that government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth."
Revised version: Senior history major, 1999
Eighty-seven years ago our forefathers created a new free nation based on the proposition that all men are created equal.
Now we're in the middle of a civil war to see if a nation based on that concept can survive. We are gathered together today on a great battlefield of that war to dedicate part of it as a permanent resting place for the soldiers who died here. It is fitting and proper that we should do this.
However, in a larger sense, we cannot dedicate or consecrate or hallow this ground. The brave men who fought here have already done that for us, and they have done it far better than we could. The world won't pay much attention or remember what we say here. However, the world can never forget what they did here. The living should be dedicated to finishing the work which they started here. We should work harder for the cause they died here for. We should resolve that thay shall not have died in vain, and that God will give this nation a new birth of freedom. Democratic government must never perish from the earth.
For Discussion
The second example contains the same meaning as the first example, but it is deadly dull. It sounds like a social science lecture, or a political speech by a third-rate politician.
What is the difference between the two passages? What makes the original a classic, memorable speech and the second a dull, pedestrian exercise, possibly written for a composition class?
What ideas are at natural stress points in a sentence, the beginning and the end? How are sentences combined? How are modifiers and punctuation used to vary the rhythm and emphasis? How does word choice vary between the two passages? Using these questions as a starting point, see if you can discover what creates effective sentence rhythm. Post your notes to the discussion group. But first, read the next page for ideas.