*Personal Experiences*

The Past

            As mentioned in my reflexive statement, I encountered my first real belly dance performance when I was 16 at the Renaissance Festival.  It was a drum solo with live music and I became enamored with the moves as the woman with long dark hair in a red glittery costume jerked and vibrated for the Royal feast outside under a canopy. I enrolled in community education classes at a nearby center for the arts and danced there for about six or more months. After a class recital I moved onto classes based out of Minneapolis taught by a woman who performed in the metro area. I didn’t know it at the time but this was the woman I had seen at the Renaissance Festival.  She brought me into her dance troupe of about six other women and we performed in restaurants, clubs, and bars through the twin cities.  After about a year, I was leaving for college and decided to quit dance to focus on my academic life. Two years later in September 2004, I finally took the plunge, after years of telling myself I would get back into it, and enrolled at Eman’s Belly Dancing and Fitness Studio. Here is where my real story begins…

 
Going Back

            It wasn’t until my first class at Eman’s that I realized how much I had missed dancing. I began with the beginners at 5pm Tuesdays and Thursdays. I didn’t know anybody there and I felt a little awkward at first but Eman made me feel very welcome and she put me at ease. I soon remembered the dance, it had been so long I worried I had forgotten it. But I realized the moves never really leave you. The technique and perfection may be gone, but the roots of the moves lay imbedded inside you, waiting to be unleashed, until you work the muscles back into it. I remember it first felt a little unnatural. I hadn’t moved like that for a long time. But it was as if a flood gate had been opened and soon I was hip-up running around the room and oiling up the hips for shimmies after being so rusty. My first time back was amazing and I thought to myself, ‘Why had I waited for so long to get back into it?’

Community

            It’s mentioned both in the interview and literature review sections that belly dancing gives a sense of community. This, I have found, is absolutely correct.  When I first started dancing at Eman’s I didn’t know anybody there, not even in other classes at different times. I’m terrible at meeting new people but the ‘girls’ were so personable and caring. I now have a fair amount of girl friends at the studio. Sometimes in class, part of the hour will be taken over by simple socializing and talking. We’ve been known to mingle for a good 10-15 minutes in a 60 minute class period. This doesn’t always happen, however, as we are all eager to dance and hate missing out on our time. I have made some pretty good friends whom I hang out with outside of the studio and are genuinely caring. One instance: the last couple weeks I’ve been very stressed with school and dance is the only outlet as my normal workout schedule has gone to the pits. One particular friend of mine doesn’t even say anything but comes up to me and gives me a big hug. This meant more to me than I could say at the moment. And while there’s nothing she can actually do for me, she offers if there’s any worry she can take off my shoulders to help me out. Many times women will just hug to give support and compliment each other on their moves and gracefulness. You soon come to appreciate what the group can do for you.  

            These instances are by no means evidence of homosexuality. Although it’s joked about sometimes, everybody is very comfortable with each other and open. I have girl friends from school but I didn’t realize how much I had been missing. Here are women of all ages, all sizes, and in different aspects of life, joining together to celebrate being a woman through dance. This community has enriched my life in many ways.

Depression and Body Image

            Along with many others, I constantly battle with depression and anxiety. I came to realize something a couple months back: I have come to notice a pattern.  I look forward to every class, want to drag it out as long as possible, and am dejected when it’s over.  We freestyle a lot and practice shimmying (shaking your hips up and down and creating variations with it in figure 8 styles or circles) and afterwards I’m breathless and sweaty and I feel absolutely wonderful.  I have become more comfortable in my body—these last couple weeks I’ve been wearing my shirts to show my stomach and not feel ashamed of my shape. I’ve never felt as secure in my skin; I’m even beginning to feel slightly attractive, which has improved my all around wellness, mentally and emotionally. It’s helped keep my depression at bay and, I think, has allowed me to laugh and smile more frequently. This is the same for others as well, I believe. We have a 6 month pregnant woman, mothers, and hard working women. I have noticed how some beginners feel very self-conscious; they keep their eyes to the floor, almost as if they’re ashamed to move like this. The more they dance, however, the more confident they become. I see this with more smiles, stronger eye contact, and tighter clothing to better see the body shape as it moves. Women come to depend on this art form, as I have, to help their self-image.

            Dance was cancelled for two weeks and I made some notes of how I felt.  Utterly depressed! If I don’t dance at least once a week I get extremely sad and sort of down on myself. Although I work out in a gym normally, there’s still something extra that belly dance does for my mood and the flow of endorphins. I’m not sure what sort of biological explanation there is but when I dance I get this rush of feeling through my body that makes me feel sexy and very womanly. I like to watch my movements in a mirror when I dance, not in a distasteful way but as admiration and wonder that a body can move like that. I try to keep from comparing myself to others, but this can be hard since it’s so ingrained in us. If we’re not the best at something we should be or at least emulate others who are better. I’ve come to appreciate what I can do and work hard to better my skills, not those of others.

             I take up a lot of room, moving and twirling or big flowing movements.  It’s very hard to dance in my apartment since we have very limited space and there’s no studio mirrors to see what I’m doing. There is definitely something that makes me feel sexier and more feminine when I dance.  I like to feel like I’m releasing myself from the binding and conservative movements that daily actions put me in.  When I dance in the studio I can let go and express myself. 

Performance

            I performed my solo for two classes the last two weeks for practice.  It was a lot of fun although it was pretty rough. I received a lot of compliments on it.  One woman, age 51, kept remarking on my smile and even asked me, “Now, are you always that confident?” I replied with an emphatic NO.  Like I mentioned before it’s this persona that I slip into when I perform, for anyone really, not just a specific audience. I even have some friends that may comment on how confident I appear to be and I always say, “It’s all an act! I’m a fake!” but I suppose I can at least fake it, I think the audience enjoys it more when it looks like the dancer is having fun and knows how good it looks.

            I do get nervous though. I’ve noticed when I dance my choreographed solo for groups I feel a little unnatural and restrained. Perhaps this is because I have to remember steps, I’m worried about falling on my face, and it’s not my moves. Eman is a great choreographer and I couldn’t have done it without her, but when I freestyle I feel I can be me with no expectations.

            The audience has a lot to do with my mood, as well. I performed at The Curling Club in downtown and realized this straight away. One half of the room was quiet, straight-faced, and immobile. The other side, interesting to note were mostly men in their 30’s-40’s, were rowdy and actually pretty obnoxious. They cat-called and whistled and were making comments. Despite this rudeness, I favored that side of the room more for their enthusiasm. I grew annoyed with them, but I also was grateful to them. No one else in the crowd made much noise or signs of enthusiasm when I went out to dance my solo, when I was very nervous. Their animation spurred me on and relaxed me to an extent. I grew less nervous and fed off their excitement. It is hard to dance while your audience blankly stares at you, but when you get a group who is enthusiastic, albeit rough around the edges, it takes away the stage fright, at least for me.

Dance in Life

            Ever since being back in dance I’ve fancied the thought of pursing it as more than a hobby. I am by no means beyond amateur, but am passionate enough about this that I would stick with it throughout my life. I would love to travel and learn more of the history and technique used in the Middle East. This may prove difficult, however, with the recent ban of foreign belly dancers in Egypt. Dance has influenced my outside life, though. I’ve been going to nightclubs since I was 15 and I can’t remember how I used to dance because now I almost always belly dance there. It’s become my staple movement. I don’t typically move in any other way. A couple random statements I remember hearing about this include one from my male roommate last year after  getting back from the club one night.  This was before I even started belly dancing again so it’d been several years since my last class. He said, “I watch you dance and I can definitely see your belly dance training in how you move.” Another comment was made this semester a professor. She was telling me how I appeared very graceful (this observation was made just on daily class periods inside school, not in a club or anything).  She said that she was telling her husband about this and made the   comment to him, “I don’t know what she’s doing but the belly dancing must really be paying off if it’s showing through in her during a normal class.” I haven’t noticed anything different but others have apparently.  I did notice one thing during aerobics class.  We did yoga today and were doing breathing exercises, raising our arms over our head and bringing them down. I caught myself watching my hands and holding them in a typical belly dance hand pose: thumb up a bit with the middle finger down and the other fingers extended up in the air. It’s very interesting to see how I try to make regular movements graceful.   

These have been some of my personal experiences with belly dancing just this last semester. This is not a complete recount but I believe it shows how belly dance has played a role in my life in discovering who I am, or want to become, and how it constantly influences my view of the self. Through dance I feel stronger yet womanly, independent yet feminine, capable yet connected to others. These are personal accounts of how it has changed my perspective of myself and others and that it will continue to do so in my future.

Top picture:  from www.deborahdancer.com
Pictures top to bottom: Me during Halloween 2002,  21st Birthday cake (thanks mom!),  group of ladies at rehersals, Me in blue velvet, white, and red costumes '05,  Gina-me-Amy at rehersals '05.