Dear manhands,

How are you? Myself, I haven't been doing so well. I just lost the interstate gymnastics competition, got a painful tattoo, and found out my chances of actually becoming a rockstar when I graduate from this place are right around the number zero. The only thing I have to look forward to is the end of the semester, where I get to go to the beach for three months. My job as a lifeguard is easy, since hardly anyone ever drowns. Even if I do fail and they die anyways, we can just blame it on the current.
I was also going to tell you about this hot new romance I have going online with a lady... at least I think it's a lady. I am so excited to meet her, but what if she turns out to be one of those freaks who murders people or something? Or a man. I am also worried about the age difference, since she is almost 70, and I'm 27. Though I always did relate well to Harry and Maude. Another worry on my mind is the fact that I have this really bad habit. That is, I vomit everywhere once I start to get aroused. This could make for some awkward moments further down the road in our relationship. Maybe I could make some type of special plastic suits for the occasion...
So, aside from all of the above, and the fact that people call me Geech, and that I spend the majority of my time in the university coffee shop, so twitchy I can barely sit on my chair, things are going really, really well. Hope the same for you.

Your friend,

Geech